Eid Mubarak Holiday

Aduh, leherku agak kaku dan sedikit pusing, mulai sensitive to light juga.

Salah tidur atau 10 hour sleep was not enough.

Appetite biasa tapi no hunger, just lower energy and stable mood. Oya, kind of thirsty jadi definitely dehydrated~

Agak capek ya listened to other people talking to each other, need more silence… Tapi cannot, today I let it be filled with chatters, gak apa lah, be a chaffeur for a day.

(Gak apa means I do it for myself, Gak apa means aku gak berkorban, malah untuk fulfilling my plan).

Maybe tomorrow say farewell sebentar and get some lunch (PLAN A).

Oh well.
Throughout the time, my physical body just became wearier. A long headache was instantly gone once I reached my house, one could assume it was a psychosomatic. Nevertheless, other physical discomfort was still there and Plan A was not suitable now.

H-1 Eid Mubarak

 

Ah… One of the best days…

I wouldn’t forget that I could step on this day and breathe freely because of my lover and bromance.

Remember, yesterday I had a masterplan (hahaha) to be ready to greet my uncle, aunt, cousins and cousins’ daughters. I prepared myself physically and mentally. It wasn’t an easy task regarding an extremely hectic day yesterday. Thankfully… Thankfully, my lover and bro are just the best. I made it to this day.

I woke up after a good night sleep and continue my daily routine… You know, taking a shower, listening to Youtube videos (today was about philosophy, not going to explain this any further now) while wearing makeup and drinking instant coffee.

My dad persuades me to go out for lunch but I refused him easily because I hadn’t felt hungry. He almost nagged but didn’t do that (in front of me, at least).

My mom called me unexpectedly, I thought she would ignore my miscall yesterday. As she has told me, her siblings were staying over so the atmosphere was going to be RAME, she wouldn’t be lonely, oh, my superficial mother..

I did two work related assignments today and felt proud of myself, lovely.

My lover and bro were very contactable that I felt at ease, what would I do without them?

After finishing my first cup of instant coffee, my dad asked me to go out for lunch again and I still refused hik for the same reason. Then, I made my second cup but by the time I brought it to my room, my dad notified me about my uncle’s arrival.

I needed only a minute to get ready and we picked them up. I discussed with them about our next destination and I was fucking relieved they had this clear idea of how our lunch should be : bringing the homemade dish and buying rice at the food court.

I talked to my dad about it because we would split the group into 2 cars. My dad and I knew the exact location which we agreed upon so it’s very practical, it’s lovely!

I didn’t try to impress anybody, didn’t try to be fake, I loved how I could sit there, giving useful navigations, updated facts about the city and listened to what my cousins had to say or how they communicated with the kids.

We arrived there, got the perfect tables and seats among those sardines (people), hahaha.. We ate together, I didn’t try to do anything other than being polite seadanya lah, again, there was no fucking small talk. I was very comfortable in listening to my aunt, uncle, male cousin and dad discussing a very particular topic about finance which I didn’t relate.

In the middle of the scene, I was busy taking selfies and pictures of us but the photos weren’t approved by ME.

After a short while, my aunt talked about their ideas of the next destination, which was going to someone’s house, someone they knew of, someone they had prepared a gift for. I decided to use the Google Maps while letting my dad drove the car. My uncle wasn’t really okay with the situation but I knew I was going to prove his doubt into trust so I said nothing (in addition, I liked him as a person, that’s why, I intended to prove myself).

It was perfect, I navigated all the way to the exact location and we arrived to someone’s house without losing track! I was very proud of myself.

Someone’s House (until now, I haven’t know this married couple’s name)

The house was right in the corner, not grand yet peaceful. There was a CCTV, two doorbells a few meters apart, a very nice terrace with a garden, two nice bathrooms and …..

I loved to witness the dynamics of their conversations, I loved to sense the sincerity in their words, actions and vibe (geez, can’t believe I am starting to use the word vibe). We were greeted wonderfully with Gowa Arabica coffee (made by an aeropress into an americano with white sugar), Japanese green tea (made by manual brewing), ote-ote, onde-onde dan singkong goreng. Yes, basically fried snacks which I didn’t consume and it was perfectly fine! Did you get it? How wonderful it was to be my real self?

This 1/5 cup was perfect because it wasn’t as fruity as the Tanamera coffee beans, mild and could be bolder if you wanted to make it that way.

I listened to various topics such as aging (I mean, they were pretty old… Hahahaha), health issues (yet not about wellness), the cost to treat illness, coffee, cafes, their kids’ dream to build cafes, the disagreement, the music, fear of driving, their house, etc.

I was still recording instagram stories, taking pictures and chatting while enjoying the whole atmosphere.

The weather was fucking nice, it rained a little, nice breeze as if we were hanging out on a private villa, trees and all.

The next destination was my aunt’s oldest brother’s house (MAOB).

I took the steering wheel this time because I didn’t need a google maps this time. Nobody disagreed on the situation’s change, off we went~ On the middle of it, I thought of two options, driving to lane A or B, I made sure to my dad that we agreed on lane A.

A few minutes afterwards, we were getting closer to the lane B and as I expected, he brought the idea to go for lane B. I asked him politely about our previous agreement on taking lane A and he said “yes, it’s alright” (again).

Ah, I loved how I could take the steering wheel, considered the consequences, expected the reality, focused on my goal and worked my way for it.

I would not go weary of stating how I felt very comfortable among them. No fucking small talk yet friendly and calm. I could be my real self.

As we laughed off small details along the short trip, eventually we arrived safely with the tremendous help from the security team on that residence.

I didn’t know their names, I meant, MAOB’s name, his wife and his daughters. It was fine! Amazing, wasn’t it? Oh, how wonderful…

I watched a bit of their baking preparation and was being offered by some cookies which I also didn’t consume, see? I did not need to fake anything~

We spent only a few minutes there and continued our trip to a ramen shop nearby~ No fucking time wasted for being plin-plan, fiuh. Kweatiaw A was too far and went back to the mall seemed like a dire plan.

An unexpected event : the ramen shop has been closed for a while so we agreed to dine in this restaurant which served Shanghai cuisine.

My dad and uncle picked two noodle dishes and they said both tasted horrible so after assertively asking the staffs about their food quality, they decided to take the staff’s offer : they would make the dish one more time (without a certain oil, as requested), if they were still not satisfied then their meal fee would be free of charge.

Oh, man, I found the scene to be so familiar… Sometimes, I complained after finishing my meal because… I was afraid of something devious (out of my control) would affect my meal hahaha

Yet, I am that kind if person who would try to be assertive sometimes.

Oh, another decision which I was grateful for… Taking them back to the hotel and I had an amazing time at the lounge and pool area.

I left them for quite some time because the pool was all mine!

The beautiful cloudy night sky, the cold wind, the fireworks, the cool empty swimming pool, the wooden floor, the freakishly tall building, ah… What a serenity.

I took some videos and pictures, laying on the floor and let myself feeling the atmosphere… Perfect.

Apparently, I was inside of the gorgeous restaurant on my way back to the lounge. I listened a bit of the live performance, what a wonderful coincidence, eh.

Back to dad, uncle and male cousin, I had an honest conversation… About my and their work experience, finally getting passionate about the topic about MBTI, lol, yea, of course.

I knew that my lover has had a long period of work experience compared to me and I was still amazed by similar his advice and their advice were.

Additional values, scalable, find the problem, the causes, the solutions, learn along the process, be confident, try new things, work on what you love, and so on.

I have implemented some of their (my lover’s, uncle’s and cousin’s) advice actually, so glad I was walking on the right track. Hmm, my dad did much of the talking about my current work situation, thank God, I could save up some energy for that part hahaha…

(but I was still mad about that exact reason, whatever)

Yea, so…

I got an idea or two also energized by this day.

That’s all for now.

Will.i.am Kind of Spirit

[Okay, now I doubt my mental state, gonna ask for some feedbacks after this.]

No, no, the realest reason of why I don’t wanna say it in your face is that

Among a lot of things, I, truly hate myself for blaming you, other people and the environment. I hate that part of myself, including hating my similar impulsivity as yours.

Also, I don’t wanna fight for you, I don’t wanna have a profound relationship with you. No, thank you, I don’t want to.

Maybe today was just one bad day but your personality hasn’t changed for these couple of years I’ve known you. You annoy me to the core hahahaha. You deserve someone else and not me.

Before this day came, I had plans for myself, I was intending to be ready physically and mentally to meet up with my relatives tomorrow. Sorry, but I’m not gonna dwell on this situation for long and ruin my own plans, okay. I refuse to stay the same man as I am, the kind of man like you, I am repulsed by the thought of it.

I don’t wanna be on my deathbed thinking, “oh.. If only I was a changed man…”

No. I can change and I will.

 

I’m going to remember this day.

I’m going to remember it as the day I decide to not spend my money on useless stuff.

Protected: H-2 Eid Mubarak Holiday

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Falling

 

You said,

I have my heart locked for years while you were giving your bleeding heart to me without regret. Now, I set my heart open and trying to give it to you.

You said,

You were used to be ready to fall from the cliff alone although you were secretly wishing I would fall with you. Now, we have actually fallen from the cliff together and survived at the bottom. We are camping under the starry sky, being hurt and miserable yet more connected somehow…

I agreed.

You said,

You were used to love me but now you are falling for me.

Me : Thank you
This month, I lost myself and found it again (like my other posts). I was confused and finally could see things in clarity. I tried my ways and they failed, I didn’t know what to do other than doing this, walking on this path which is camping with you.

I said,

I have been enjoying your dish for years then there was someone else who became aware of it too. I chose my pride+insecurity and left you by assuming the new person would stay. I was thoughtless, that person left too then I became sure of myself… I couldn’t leave, I have always wanted your food.

You replied that you were taking a break from cooking until… Later, when your time will come again.. Hahaha