I have wasted 17 years ( in a sense of earth’s time ) for nothing except adjusting my physical body to stay alive on earth.
After that, I went back and forth of trying to live and die effortlessly.
(* die means living unconsciously)
If I could state the moment I ‘live’, not just my physical body but everything.. I would say it started on the 25th of June 2017 because between the 19th until 24th, I was still in the process of starting to ‘be alive’.
It took me 23 years 10 months 20 days on earth to start living as a whole being on the nook of the universe.
I do have memories of my past but those do not concern me. I also have plans for the future but those are set on the clouds. I open my arms while walking towards them. I am at the present, a mere soul which is breathing through this human body.
A Thought of Being Neutral
I put effort in practicing several things now. These are expecting uncertainties and accepting changes.
My lover teaches me a lot (more about him here ) about this. He elaborates his habit which is calculating the worst until ideal case scenarios. He expects everything and the little details which can change those scenarios are natural. We have a disagreement whether being affected or not is a natural thing to do.
He says it is humane to be affected because of these external things. I say, when we have all of the above, we are going to be remain unaffected.
Another time, we were able to discuss it further, thank God. Finally, we have the agreement of how to put it together… Here, he says that human emotions are like our friends who say Hi. We are not them but we keep them close to us as long as they want to keep us company. That’s why, it’s natural ya, to be affected somehow.. I say, okay, I agree because from the book I read, there are five natural emotions that can be felt by humans. However, we do not need to dwell on them nor repress them by any means. That’s why I prefer to control my mind until achieving stillness and remain unaffected as fast as I can.
Training My Perception
Oh what a habit… What a cycle and subconsciously made pattern… I have to realize my own and alter it which feels like weightlifting, it is hard, challenging, tiring, seeing our own funny faces and at the same time, the muscles start showing up and you realize that, “okay, I wanna do this again.”
Differ Our Rationality
The value of good and bad is irrational however eases us to communicate to each other. I’m still using the adjectives to clarify my thought upon the incoherence. I keep coming back to this : the world, this nature and everything is maximally rational.
Be More Observant
It is wonderful to see what ordinary senses can’t do and feel the intangible things…
I enjoy these two things :
having adapted with this physical and temporary world
using this chance to learn more about it and beyond