Where to begin…

Let’s toss it in the bowl and mix it like salad, shall we?

Around 3 years ago, I met this hooman being (hahaha, actually longgg before that but whatever). We are onions, peeling our layers off make us cry.

This relationship is challenging indeed, find our happiness just to lose it again… Back and forth like that… Bu, bu, but everytime I pull myself so hard and just end up clicking myself to him like a magnet.

No man makes me try to crawl and stand up after feeling so low. No man has ever hurt by me and always says “I’m still here and not going to leave you, so..”

We are just fragile hooman beings, like onions on top of broken eggshells? The more we see our vulnerabilities throughout time we have passed together, it’s scary to be exposed… It’s nerve wrecking… It’s unlike any other relationship I have had.

I have goals for myself now, something I have never tried to think of before (belum telattt)

I am going to be someone who deserves him

If I feel lacking then I’m gonna be honest and direct about it

The foremost thing is fighting for him in many ways I can possibly imagine.


Page 2

Let’s say,


It was a special day, I met my lover’s significant other out of our impulsivity. How should I name him… Hmm… How about… ‘KA’ which stands for ‘Kinda Alike’ with me (based on my lover’s, KA’s and my own conclusion).

What do you mean Kinda Alike, Lia?
I mean…
The way we think, feel, react and many trivial things are very much alike. That’s certainly why we are very attached to my lover.

What I feel about KA (the person I finally met for the first time in my life) is like … Like, how I know it is me, what I like and hate about myself, you know. He said we could probably be best friends in the next lifetime.

My siblings kinda went away for some time now and my frenemy said things like how she hasn’t been making new friends and has been trying to do it lately. I replied to her how I have been like that for more than a year.

My mood was going down for minutes until he and I talked things through.

I was being lifted up by him, like, he always does that for me… He gets wet because of my bad mood splashes and we have been working on that.


Today was such a fun day, a fun date, we smiled so wide and laughed so hard. There was something else happened~

Yesterday, I decided to stop reading their chat because I haven’t had KA’s consent.

On our date today, I told my lover that it would be a good idea if the three of us hang out again in the future. He said he would agree upon it if I was willing to try getting to know KA. Well, I said, I couldn’t do that so…

However, KA also proposed the same idea to us which we finally agreed on together. So, starting from this evening, I had the consent of reading their chat. It was a huge progress, for me…


I was okay and energetic early in the morning (as early as 7.30 AM, I usually got up at 9 AM). I had a busy 4 hour work alone and nothing happened. After that, I had a good nap and woke up with a fresh feeling too…

Around 6 PM, I barely knew what happened, I was… Going downhill, I was terrified by myself, having the idea to take care of the store the day after tomorrow was scary AF. I was having a mental breakdown, like, watching things that didn’t matter, cleaning the store a bit, brushing my teeth though haven’t eaten anything and crying while pausing for drinking water from time to time.

After the crying session, that muscles that pulled the corner of my lips down could finally pulled them up. I became calmer, hungry and getting myself a decent portion of dinner. I could laugh of something hilarious and talked out what bothers me at that time.

Tomorrow, we both planned to meet KA and my friend.


We were both okay by being productive and taking good amount of rest throughout the day. We enjoyed each other’s company, it was great. Finally, the plan was being executed accordingly.

It was great seeing KA spent some time with him… I guess, my evening went alright with my friend… Nothing major happened to us.


Today is the day that made me having a mental breakdown 2 days ago, let’s see how this turns out..

Yap, today was as bad as my expectation, well, for a few hours chatting to him, my bro and sibling was more than I expected… However, it lasted like one sweet candy a day.

I put effort in filling my diary in details and became… Yap. I won’t erase it but whatever.

Page 3


Yea. I was staying close to my Anx, it killed my vibe right off the bat. Still filling in my diaries…

I hardly could keep up with my ‘normal’ weight, it’s decreasing gradually. But, somehow, I was famished by 1 PM, it was weird how hangry I was and quickly set myself a plate of instant noodles and 2 eggs. Then, took a nap like a royalty. Woke up just on time before my last work shift but felt so effin thirsty and had a stomachache. Fffff….

I love him (my lover), he just stays with me in a kind way (not talking physically). Weeks of mood swing episodes and turned me into believing that sharing sadness is a beautiful thing. Because happiness is a lot of work while being sad is effortless. Living effortlessly with him, I love him that way.

to be continued


About Lia Agustine

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