I didn’t really understand the meaning of choosing before i met him.

Yea, I was that kind of person who blamed others, my environment, anything but myself when things went wrong. I couldn’t remember choosing something completely.

After i met him, i remembered being scared to think, to decide what’s now and what’s next. I’m scared of being regretful. I didn’t want to choose anything, I wanted to be the same person who let others choose everything for me. Giving options for me, influencing my decision as if I was deciding it on my own.

After meeting him… I sense such disbelief of how can this person exist. He think everything through, knowing the pain and mess of every decision and still go for it. I’m scared to be like that, to be brave, I supposed. I dislike negative consequences, aren’t we all? Or so I thought. He is different though, he is always ready and so strong.

Later I knew, he can be scared too while staying by my side, witnessing those impulsive actions of mine. He knew my decisions would affect him too, that’s just one tiny reason of why he hates human relationship. I am bound to bother him hahaha

I choose my work, I wanted to consider it as being forced into this job but.. That would be a lie. I was given or I was taking several months doing what I thought as ‘the perfect life’. Yes, I didn’t work on anything… I wasn’t studying or practising on anything, because that’s just the kind of man I am. Nothing.

He didn’t underestimate me or argue with me to get out of it. He didn’t act as if we were bound by some status. It has always been liberating to be in a relationship with him, I was minus minus back then hahaha
I am a boring person and doesn’t even fit his taste in many aspects, as a friend or girlfriend, nope. He opened up first and let me in and stay without pressure.

I choose this work without any cool knowledge about my field… How I see myself is that I am mediocre and lazy as f. I can’t see myself grow to be better frankly. He doesn’t poke me around but how I see him going through life and putting me in his thoughts… I was starting to doubt myself, how could i let myself to deserve him.

I can see myself with him in the future, together with realistic values. We can be together but not with the situation where I am jobless and doing nothing. I can see how he doesn’t need me yet he chooses to stay. I didn’t wanna stay the same, I try to be more aware of my situation and not comparing my life to others. I think this job suits me although it isn’t challenging like exams or anything. Although I would need to spend a hell lot of time in one place, maybe not having new friends. But so what. I have him and my current friends. My parents start to change too, trying to have more chit-chat with me and it annoys me so I think I don’t need new friends afterall.

People see us as two very different people, say, he is thoughtful and i’m thoughtless. He has his own mind and i’m with my impulses. He is steady while I’m anxious. He says the unexpected things though like, “we are standing in the different corners but we are still in the same room.” Those kind of silly metaphors are how he communicates with me who barely grasp any visible signs, let alone his personal metaphors, geez. I was in a lot of frustration then and it was just until recently I could finish off his sentences, knowing what he could probably think off. Because he is that different to me, that’s why I can guess. He must be thinking the opposite of mine, it’s that simple actually.
On a rainy day, I paused from reading manhwa and looked afar. I thought, what if he was living really really far from here. Will I regret this? Will I regret choosing this one man job? Will I be as passionate as now? Or, will I even endure days with online mangas and streaming videos? Will people’s comments still do not get to me? Will I be able to stare back at them and say, “I choose this.”?

 

Anyway… He isn’t like any typical men, he is… refreshingly dark and has very realistic comments such as, “I wouldn’t regret anything if I didn’t meet you (artinya aku). I was okay by myself, even I loved myself more before I met you.” I think I’m not like any typical women… I can be really, really distant, far from clingy towards my partner. Sometimes, it’s hard for my partner to feel like I need them.

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About Lia Agustine

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