My mind can’t stop thinking about everything, it rolls fast… I concentrate on everyone’s words and my senses are heightened. Every small things can shock me negatively. I’m talking physical sensation here, not some kind of delusional sensation okay.

I said to him,
I can’t calm down. I feel like I have to do these things now. No procrastination. I have told people about my schedule and if I fail to be available, I might go nuts.
I want to control everything, the routes, the time, the money, my health, people and everything.
I’m always on edge, wanting to be able to do everything. now. and fast.

my handwriting does show signs of high tension and energy… how I tape my products hastily.

I wanna finish the report, the revenue, preorder items, restock list, updated online store inventory, digital catalog for offline customers…

You know what concerns me…
The danger of opening the store right in a wide and crowded street. Some suspicious strangers came here though there were sellers and employees right next to my store. They just need a few minutes to distract me. I have several precious tools which are close to me and I am only one human being who can’t fight people physically. How can I protect myself and not to mention, my store? how?

I also keep thinking of these sales and suppliers who constantly giving me incomplete stuff. How about the products which do not have BPOM on them? I ain’t a master of patented products, how do I know about these things???

I am on the process of trying to calm the F down, you know…

I think I haven’t felt this intense, THIS on edge since the college skripsi paper exam, the high school UNAS exam and other things I supposed. Yes, well, looking back, I am alright now eh. I need to calm the F up because at some point, we are just small things in this universe.


In addition… He said I have this pattern, every time I got sucked on something, like, really drawn and drowned into a particular thing, I would always do that one thing for a quite long time. Suddenly, my hunger and thirst about that particular thing would be gone like smoke. Afterwards I would look for another magnetic thing and repeat this pattern. That’s why he warns me to take things slowly and do little things at a time and not overload myself with anything anymore.

I would say it is an incredible advice to be pondered upon however to manifest it into action… to break my longtime habit… Well, it takes energy and certain levels of awareness to control and break these habits.


About Lia Agustine

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