Trusting Without Regret

 

Lia yang dulu pasti bilang gini ke aku, trusting someone just because of love is foolish.

Because of her, I try to collect as many proof as possible to satisfy my common sense. I can be very annoying when asking these questions. However, I can’t deny that I end up trusting someone. Others’ opinion are contradicting my concept of trust. It is because I don’t see the point of wavering in this situation, I don’t see what harm would be bestowed upon me, I mean, if the result of my effort turns out to be an unreliable data… If my research ends up to be idealistic… If it’s verified that way then I won’t have regret.

“Why?” you ask,
As a human, I can only observe my surrounding and strive for the holy bond of human beings. Other than that, such as, being overwhelmed by dysfunctional emotions because my lover decides to leave me or because I want to stay in this relationship so badly, things like these are not my life purpose at all.

Let me put it simply, if it’s true that my lover decides to leave our relationship for his reason then I will have no regret. The most important thing is I do my best while we are still in this reciprocal partnership. I put it simply as my secure attachment type of relationship.

Yes, it’s easier said than done but as far as I’m still myself who solely wants to learn anything on this earth, I’m confident that I am Lia who can take care of myself. Regardless of the unbecoming situation ahead, I’m gonna do what Teacher says, “hold on your grip, stay firm and always be ready.”

I’m here willing to learn and be disciplined of my feelings, thought and action. I have no regret.

The Update of My Question on the 22nd August 2017

 

3 weeks has passed since then.

I let it affected me and became emotionally involved because of several aspects from this event.

I see a kid who has tried his best to open himself to his parents and faced rejection. However, opening himself up is probably a habit in the inner family. If it was me then I could say that I was giving my best in explaining to my parents.

The fact is he faces rejection from his parents and let himself affected by that.

I had a wish, I was hoping (which I thought I shouldn’t) that this kid would keep his promise. He made a statement that he would be comitted in his relationship with his new friend. Despite the obstacles in front of him, I expected him to stay firm with his words. However, it’s always futile to depend on other people, at the end, we can only depend on ourselves.

Working Day on 30th August 2017

 

Today I was working with a different kind of passion, I had trouble describing the emotion, it felt like fury and self confidence(?). There were these triggers : (1) H broke another promise (no surprise there) and (2) someone who did something inappropriate. However, the term appropriate itself hasn’t been clear to me so I was still looking to find the original rule from the main source.

For H, I have kept her replies as evidence that she was the person that she was. My only solution now was waiting for her superior to get this thing done. I needed patience.

As well as for the second topic, I needed the main source to explain the rules here so that I could determine what was appropriate and what was not.

Those were the triggers which shifted my fury to passion. I felt an outburst of energy, had a thought that “I would show them what I can do,” and executed my ideas. I wanted a progress from myself and be patient to walk on the stoic’s path.

I didn’t know until when I could keep this fiery passion up. I just knew I decided favorable things for my future and wasn’t stuck in the corner with head on my knees.

A Fruitless Pride on 28th August 2017

 

Once in a while, my drawer was quite full with fresh washed clothes from the laundry. A glimpse of thought such as “ah, I feel rich right now because I have so many clothes to choose from.” However, after realizing my own thought, I became flustered by shame. Teacher always says that possession is not us and we shouldn’t put it as our pride. I concluded that “I was embraced by pride of my possession for a split second & naturally felt shameful afterwards.”

 

I’ve moved on from that and picked this simple T-shirt and a pair of plain trousers to spend quality time with my dad.

I’m still determined to discipline my thoughts and actions through this massive game or school.

Mistakes on 27th August 2017

 

I know it’s easy to be the harsh judge of myself
and it’s hard to be the one who forgives myself

Teacher says it’s an opportunity to ponder upon the events, acknowledge mistakes and pardon ourselves through the process to be better. Training harder and not quitting is the main goal here.

I think it’s really better for ourselves and others too.

 

A few hours later…

I recalled a practical training from Teacher!

I need to distant myself from the “bad” event and be a viewer. I have to observe the event as an objective person, try to evaluate the characters who are involved on the scene and look for preferred resolutions.

In another word, it is crucial to detach myself from the personal values I put on everything.

 

I thank God, my lover was there giving me advice about what to do if the worst case scenario happens in the future. He was always amazing in dealing conflicts.