Do You Need


A train of small matter distracted me, no, I let it affected me.
All of these digital clocks kept me checking them over time, no, I let them affected me.
Nothing and nobody can do such good or harm to me other than myself and that’s the truth.

I was stopping on the sidewalk a few times and now I’m getting back on track, no matter what the ends are.

Teacher reminds me to ask myself whether I need it or not, whether things I do is necessary or not, “do you need this?”

“Yes, I need this” for my new smartphone case, not because I hated the previous one. It was because my uncle gave me this when I needed it. From the first day it arrived until now, I have needed it yet the case has deteriorated so I replaced it with this high functional one. Objects can change forms, it is expected so I’m not going to dwell on it like my significant people said.

I do like my birthday gift which a Totoro phone stand which is still sticking on the back of this one 😘

Oya, ada 3 words yang aku sering ulang di kepalaku :
simple, changeable and perishable.

So many lessons including, you don’t always scream everytime something bad happens because we can expect it as a way for nature to stay fresh anew.

I need to learn and understand this process.

A Short Trip to Uncle’s House


Yesterday, we hadn’t known for certain whether we would go on a trip together. As the universe worked the strings of life, this morning, we got the answer : yes, together.

A two hour delay, an invitation that we rejected, a second and worse shot of coffee among other “negativity” couldn’t affect me.

I chose to save : discussing our thought and getting ready for the day in a relaxed manner, having a safe trip with a comfortable bigger car, everyone was healthy, we were having the decent conversations, enjoying delicious snack, welcomed warmly, a cup of luxurious cappuccino, playing games and had more conversations.

Later, we were being persuaded by an invitation and declined it straightforwardly. I was always satisfied by my uncle’s response which was taking my answer to his consideration and he was openly discussing other alternatives.

I chose to save : great homemade food, fresh fruits, great weather also warm goodbyes. On my trip to go back home, we witnessed a pitch black sky was full of bright stars. The road seemed wider and had no traffic.


I’m learning to control my actions including choosing my judgment and decision with a careful consideration and conscious effort.

Teacher said that leisure without study is death, a tomb for the living person.

Question of the 23rd of July 2017


Pt. 1

Teacher practiced scenarios such as laying on the deathbed and invited people over. People were tossing cheers and reenacted the funeral, “for this is what you look like once you leave.”

(* this is my modified details about Montaigne’s drinking game)

Please, don’t distract thyself from time that isn’t renewable or this universal reality.

I reread my ancient diary (as a-17 y.o), I recalled how death seemed ominous and how unwilling I felt. As common as it’s implied, I was chained by goals and objects. I am learning to realize this, enjoy and not obsessing over what I don’t have. It’s a process indeed.


Pt. 2

“Why art thou dissatisfied? For the universe has given you substance and time is sufficient.”

I never knew this sentence could be a hilarious joke. It contains truth and is entertaining at the same time.


Pt. 3

Photo : menu ini cuma ada di paket delight. Satu-satunya hidangan pembuka yang disertai krim keju ini. Kadang aku stay quiet aja kalo roti bertekstur biskuit ini dihidangkan pucat. Kadang aku ask apakah they can heat those longer for me so that those will be golden brown and crispy.

Teacher says you can do something to enlarge the probability.

Questions in the 22nd of July 2017


Teacher said act as if you were on a banquet. You would take things set before you. A man who asks the host to set things before him is an unreasonable fellow.

I asked, wasn’t there only one kind of man, a man who seeks pleasure? He reminded me that there is also a man who seeks pain. Well, isn’t it given?

Some want to be pain free
Some want to be hurt
Some want to indulge
Some want to despise

Isn’t this accepted by all?
Why are we being unreasonable by asking what we want? (ternyata ada lanjutannya tapi nanti)

I’m still learning this because I feel weak&weary. How can I endure such hardship without asking for strength. Teacher must has had the mind of steel to live that way. In extra, he said, “what are you waiting for? The future is right behind you, all you have to do is turning the palm of your hands.” It is relieving to know that I can do something though the current state is peculiar.

Teacher also added that whatever it is to the body, you wouldn’t need to be attached to it.

Personally, I need to learn this as a basic thing because some people just learn detachment to material things a lot faster. I believe I would laugh at myself for even trying.. Hahaha how silly, wasn’t it a short while ago, you dreamt of your precious phone? Eating until you feel heavy?

There is always Teacher who supports me by, whenever I fall, try to get myself back on everything, whether it’s my duty, studies, or else.

If I saw myself learning how to walk by falling numerous times, I would definitely laugh at it too.

Start Living


I have wasted 17 years ( in a sense of earth’s time ) for nothing except adjusting my physical body to stay alive on earth.

After that, I went back and forth of trying to live and die effortlessly.

(* die means living unconsciously)

If I could state the moment I ‘live’, not just my physical body but everything.. I would say it started on the 25th of June 2017 because between the 19th until 24th, I was still in the process of starting to ‘be alive’.

It took me 23 years 10 months 20 days on earth to start living as a whole being on the nook of the universe.


I do have memories of my past but those do not concern me. I also have plans for the future but those are set on the clouds. I open my arms while walking towards them. I am at the present, a mere soul which is breathing through this human body.



A Thought of Being Neutral

I put effort in practicing several things now. These are expecting uncertainties and accepting changes.

My lover teaches me a lot (more about him here ) about this. He elaborates his habit which is calculating the worst until ideal case scenarios. He expects everything and the little details which can change those scenarios are natural. We have a disagreement whether being affected or not is a natural thing to do.

He says it is humane to be affected because of these external things. I say, when we have all of the above, we are going to be remain unaffected.

Another time, we were able to discuss it further, thank God. Finally, we have the agreement of how to put it together… Here, he says that human emotions are like our friends who say Hi. We are not them but we keep them close to us as long as they want to keep us company. That’s why, it’s natural ya, to be affected somehow.. I say, okay, I agree because from the book I read, there are five natural emotions that can be felt by humans. However, we do not need to dwell on them nor repress them by any means. That’s why I prefer to control my mind until achieving stillness and remain unaffected as fast as I can.


Training My Perception

Oh what a habit… What a cycle and subconsciously made pattern… I have to realize my own and alter it which feels like weightlifting, it is hard, challenging, tiring, seeing our own funny faces and at the same time, the muscles start showing up and you realize that, “okay, I wanna do this again.”



Differ Our Rationality

The value of good and bad is irrational however eases us to communicate to each other. I’m still using the adjectives to clarify my thought upon the incoherence. I keep coming back to this : the world, this nature and everything is maximally rational.



Be More Observant

It is wonderful to see what ordinary senses can’t do and feel the intangible things…


I enjoy these two things :

having adapted with this physical and temporary world

using this chance to learn more about it and beyond